BRANCHING OUT

...in these difficult times

In these times of global uncertainty, when there seems to be so little we can do to effect big change, it occurs to me that each of us may be neglecting to dispense information to help each other with the little things; information to make life a little easier. So in the spirit of reaching out, I want to talk to the members of my generation, and those of the generation coming up, about the art of peeing into old age. This is gender specific, addressing only those of us fitted by our maker, with an external spigot.

Gentlemen, get it out of your head that you lose masculinity points sitting rather than standing. That was a myth; I know for a fact that Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise and George Clooney sit, as did John Wayne before them. The reason I know that is...I write fiction.

Most of us, particularly dudes over six feet, have known for some time that hitting the bulls-eye every time from an upright position is about as likely as shooting an outlaw off his galloping horse, from your galloping horse. Why do you think the makers of toilet seat covers live in such luxury?

Look, aging has its benefits, but the ability to continue taking a high vertical leak, is not one of them. In your youth, when you could stand on a second story balcony and hit the hood of the third car back, if a rogue pubic hair got loose and ended up curled across your urethral meatus (I am nothing if not an educator; you thought that was called your pee-hole) you’d blast that thing off without ever knowing it was there. For us seniors, that pesky pube has the capacity to divert the stream, causing us to pee on both of our shoes without making even a ripple in the bowl.

But guys, pay attention. You’re growing old in what can only be called the Golden Age of Urination. For right around ten bucks, you can purchase a motion activated toilet bowl nite-lite that bathes your bathroom in a warm pink glow as you enter, and moves slowly through as many as eight - count ‘em, eight - pastel colors while you sit, pondering over whether or not that was the last dribble. While you’re there, have some fun! Make it a game! Challenge yourself to “beat the cycle;” to flush before pink comes up again.

Full disclosure to you skeptics, I receive no kickback on motion-activated toilet bowl nite-lites. My only compensation is your appreciation and satisfaction. I live to serve.